In the moment

My goal for the summer: More of this! Cindy & I lounging at a new wine bar

In a surprising free 2 hours this morning, I will finally update my long absent blog. Time is slipping away faster than I can express. The past few months have been busy and stressful but wonderful. My community yoga class suddenly came to a halt 2 weeks ago as our space changed ownership and we were asked to leave within a week. It was not unexpected; we just thought we had a few more weeks. Yesterday I taught my last Korean yoga class to parents from my school and now my after-school obligations are finished. It feels good to have some evening free time and to have the free time at school that the final days always bring. First semester ends on July 21st but I have agreed to continue teaching from 3-5pm to my after-school students through August 20th. I am supposed to "be at school" anyway to fulfill contractual obligations, so at least I'm getting paid for it. Most of my friends are staying in Jeju next year which means they will take the long vacation in August and be leaving at the end of July. Jason will also be departing Jeju at the end of July so there will be numerous upcoming goodbyes. I'm very good at avoiding goodbyes, but I think it will be inevitable here. There are a few people I will see again, but many who will continue on their own journeys and whose paths I won't likely cross down the road. Most of that will be out of the way at the end of July, though, which leaves August for camping, beaching, and enjoying Jeju (and a little working). And, of course, packing, shipping, selling, donating, and getting rid of the stuff I've accumulate in 2 years. I plan to travel light into my big trip.

And here it is, the big trip:
(plane tickets have yet to be purchased, but here's how I'm laying it our for myself)
8/26-9/3 - A relaxing week in Japan with Cindy & Julia
9/3-9/5 - Back to Jeju to pick up trekking gear and say a final few goodbyes
9/5-9/11 - Up to Seoul, getting visas, seeing some friends
9/12-10/12 - Nepal: yoga & trekking with 2 Jeju friends
10/12-10/22 - Sightseeing in Rajasthan & Uttar Pradesh, India with a Seattle friend
10/22-11/7 - volunteering in Meghalaya, Northeastern India
11/7-12/7 - Ashram stays in Rishikesh, Northwestern India (billed as the "yoga capital of the world")
12/7-12/21 - Ashram stay in Kerala, Southwestern India
12/21-1/1 - "Christmas Vacation" - relaxing in Thailand
1/3-end of March 2011 - Yoga Teacher Training at Agama Yoga in Koh Phangan, Thailand

I've had 2 realizations as of late: The first being that I should really take advantage of every minute of being in Jeju and the second being that I should really let myself relax more and not feel so much obligation. The realization I have not had is how to balance those two. Being present, or being "in the moment" is always my goal, but, naturally, it's difficult when there is so much to plan and prepare and I'm constantly thinking about one thing or another. I'm sure this sounds familiar to you, dear readers, it's something we all struggle with. So I'm trying to stop using the word "should". I really shouldn't do anything. If I want to do something or I have to do something, I will. If I don't want to or I don't have to, I won't.

Case in point: I had decided about a month ago that I would stop studying Korean at the beginning of July because it takes up time I could be doing other things. Plus I don't really need to learn any more Korean since I'm leaving. However, last week I was introducing an American friend to my Korean study friends to match-make a new language exchange, and we all had such a great time hanging out and studying together that I've decided to continue studying. It's not that I feel I should, I've let that go. I just want to because I enjoy being around my friends and I enjoy speaking Korean. Once I let go of the notion that I "should" be studying, I no longer felt guilty making the decision one way or another.

The harder case: Do I want to continue studying yoga in Korea? Every time I think about going to a yoga class, I immediately think I "should" go. Not that I want to go or it would make me happy. The particular style of yoga that I practice here is centrally focused on back bending. I like back bending, but it puts a lot of stress on my shoulders and neck and I'm still healing those areas. There's also the Korean aspect that we should all be able to do the same things which makes it difficult to say to a teacher, "I can't". It's a cultural difference between Korea and every other country where I've studied yoga. And the language barrier makes that all the more difficult. Sometimes I leave the practice feeling refreshed and relaxed, and sometimes I leave feeling horrible, judgmental, and upset. But I just can't let go of the notion that I "should" be going to classes because of the unique experience of these teachers in Jeju and the fact that I'd like to be doing yoga everyday, especially now that I'm not teaching anymore. There is the fact that I'm headed into 7 months of introspection and yoga study which might make me feel better about not practicing now. But this is all based around the notion of what I feel I should or should not be doing.

This is such a good example of one of the fundamental Buddhist concepts: suffering. Buddhists and Yogis believe that suffering is something we create in our minds. Suffering is not what happens to us but our reactions to it. The way another person treats me does not create suffering, how I feel about it and how I react is what makes me unhappy. My feelings and reactions exist because of all my past interactions and relationships. Suffering is not something that happens to us but it is a choice we (usually unconsciously) make. The first step to eliminating this suffering is simply being aware of what our mind is doing. So that's where I am, seeing what's happening and trying to accept that I'm making myself feel bad (without making myself feel worse by judging myself!) Acceptance. That will be my goal for the remainder of my Jeju life.

I'd love to give you a recap of events in the last 2 months, but I honestly can't remember what I've been doing. Working a lot, teaching yoga, hiking oreums, drinking tea with friends, going to the beach. The biggie was the 2nd Women's Yoga Retreat (click here for pictures) that I led a few weekends ago. We had 22 beautiful participants and we all worked hard, endured the monsoon weather, and did a lot of yoga. And now I'm looking ahead, but still trying to stay in the moment, each moment.

Study partners & great friends: Ran Hee, So Hyeong, Rebekah & Eu Ddeum